This is My Life! I Have Ultimate Power

It's all just becoming so frustrating!

I am getting so frustrated with everything right now. The Navy still has yet to tell my husband where he will be going after he graduates on the 23rd of this month. That's less than two weeks away, and we still have no idea. How are we supposed to prepare for a move, if we don't even know where we are going? Of course that is what is mainly on my mind. Then of course there are the Navy Wives. I feel blessed that I have made so many friends while I have been here in New York, but the drama that goes along with, I could live without. Honestly I would rather sit at home, alone, bored and miserable then have to deal with any more drama! People just need to learn to grow up. I know, that's asking for too much.

You are probably wondering what drama I am talking about this time. Guess what? Same person I have mentioned in the last few blogs. Anyway, I let her know what I was feeling, and why I was upset with her, only for her to turn around and tell me that was all bullshit. How can you tell someone that what they are feeling is bullshit? You don't know what the other person is feeling. I hate how nice I am sometimes. I let myself get walked on and used. I hate being mean, but now I see, sometimes you have to be mean to get your point across. Some people just don't hear you any other way. Of course this time, I wasn't mean. I politely and nicely told her how I was feeling, and when she came back at me with insults that didn't really make all that much sense I ignored it. Ignoring it seems to be my favorite solution, and yet it still eats me up inside, because she goes to all my other friends, and they come to me. Even though I tell them I don't want to hear it, I can't help but care and want to be there for them. I hate having to put them in the situation of having to put up with her shit. I guess they can all do what I did, and she will soon find out that she can't treat people that way or they wont stick around.

Anyway, along with the drama, my family has been stressing me out. If it's not me trying to contact them, it's no one trying to contact me. I feel the only way I will stay connected to my family is if I put forth the effort, and right now, it doesn't feel worth it to me. I love my mom, and as much as I hate to admit it, I love my brother too. However, anytime I want to talk to them about things pertaining to my life, it's "Oh I have to go" or "Hey, someone just walked in" or some other excuse to get off the phone. I know they are busy and have their own lives, but it really hurts when they don't have time for me. All I ask for is 5 min of their day. I know i have my husband but, what about when he is deployed?

That's another thing I am frustrated with. The sooner he graduates, the sooner the deployments, and then the sooner I face utter aloneness. Then with a family who doesn't seem to want to waste time with me, I feel I wont have much to lean on. I know I am strong, and I will get through it, but doesn't stop my emotions. All of them running wild. Frustration, sadness, scared and more. I know I should worry about it now, and start stressing about it when the day comes, but that thought has been lingering in my head ever sense he said he signed the papers! So naturally, that the dates have moved to be that much closer, it is more on my mind.

Anyway, the whole drama issue, let's hope I resolved for the last time. If she continues to bug me, I will have my husband block her number from my phone. Hell, I may even have him do that anyway. Of course when it comes to the Navy, I know i have no control over it, and I just have to sit back and roll with the punches. I just want things to be as simple as they used to be! Back in kindergarden, where everyone was friends, and no one cared what you looked like, stood for, or even smelled. Where lunch was always there in your lunchbox, and the people you cares about waited for you to get off the school bus. The days where no matter what kind of day it was, rain or shine, it was going to be a good day. I am going to go back to those days, I am going to try my hardest to make my life go back to simplistic times. Maybe not that simplistic, but where the day will be great, no matter the weather, no matter the situations.

I will make my life the way I want it to be. It may not happen over night, but I will learn with time, that this is MY life, and I wont live it stressed, frustrated and upset, because I have ultimate power over what goes on. I will take control back!

~ Live, Laugh, Love