I Have to go off, Be by Myself, and Suffer

I hate traveling. I usually always love the destination, but why does the getting there, have to suck so much?

Matthew and I have been on the road now for 4 days. He is driving the truck, which holds all of our belongings, as well as towing our Acura, and I am driving the Prius. So not only are we driving long days, but we are doing it separately. It's really no wonder why people opt to have a moving company come in and move your things for you. It's a pain in the butt to do it yourself! I am so exhausted, so irritated so annoyed at everything. Mostly because I am tired and when I get tired, I get moody.

Matthew has the GPS with him in the truck, and he is leading the way, while I follow. We have walkie talkies, so we are able to communicate with one another when there are maneuvers that we need to do coming up. Of course, he seems to get irritated at me each time I ask when the next time we will be needing to do something. I'm sorry, but in case we do get separated, I want to have an idea of where I need to be! Because other than being behind him, I have no idea where I am or where I am going! I am sure he is stressed out and just as tired as I am, but I have been very good about not giving him my anger. He has been good too, until we got to his house.

He decides that while we were sitting on the deck with his step-mom that would be a great time to yell at me for complaining about the move. I'm sorry, but I am not happy with it! I didn't want to move ourselves!!! He never even really asked me if I was OK with it in the first place. To be honest I don't think he even went to housing and asked for information about them moving us, he just knew we would make money this way, so he took that option. I understand making money is good, but it doesn't mean I have to like the process any better! Even if he is sick of listening to me complain, he could have told me privately! Instead of yelling at me in front of his family! God he really pisses me off!

I already feel awkward around his family. They didn't agree with us getting married in the first place, so I feel weird being around them. Now I feel worse cause he decided to be a dick to me in front of them. Start arguments in front of them! He was bitching to his mom about me, telling her how much I wanted a baby... Which isn't true!!! Just because I say I want a baby, doesn't mean I want one NOW! But he had to go on and make shit up about how much I wanted one, and how much I wanted it now, so now she thinks i probably lost my mind! I never speak bad about him to my mom! Because I want her to think the very best of him, but no, of course he has to bitch about me to his family.

I am just to a breaking point. I want to cry! I hate driving, I hate being in horrible situations, I hate not having my family to go to... I feel like when he acts this way, I am all alone in the world! That I have to go off, be by myself, and suffer. He doesn't treat me well in front of his family at all! Like he has something to prove?! I don't know, but he is going to hear about it tonight. This isn't the first time, and it wont be the first time I brought it up either!

Why is it everything is about "Men". What they want, is what they get. What they need, we have to get it for them. Their convenience is the only way. Doesn't matter how I feel, or what I think, it's all him... him... him! I am sick of it being him...him...him... sometimes I want it to be me!!! We never eat where I want to, unless he is in the mood. We never see the movie I want to, because he thinks it looks dumb. We never do the activity I want to, because he would rather do something else. And to be T.M.I we never have good sex, because it's all about him, never about me! I am sick of it!!!! I feel trapped!!!! and I don't know what to do. He doesn't listen. We have had the conversation over and over and over. I have tried not doing the things he wants, and we end up doing nothing. Why in the world did I get married?! Why?!

Do I love him? Of course!!! Would I ever leave him? No! I will stick by him no matter what, because despite these traits, he is still a great guy. I just don't understand why it has to be his way all the time, and when I want something it's like pulling teeth to get it! One of these days he will understand, even if it means surgically inserting a chip into his brain, and making him have courtesy to others, and willing to compromise.

Anyway, I am going to take a nap. I don't want to take all this anger out on the rest of the family, or boil up anymore inside, so I am going to get some rest, and hopefully wake up more relaxed and refreshed.

~ Live, Laugh, Love

Sick of People and Their "All About Me" Attitudes

I love the fact that we are moving on Tuesday, and yet hardly anything has been packed. What has been packed, is my doing, without that, we would have literally nothing done.

Matthew has pushed me to the edge tonight, and everything he has done all week has finally made me snap with his selfishness and inconsideration of others. Yesterday he tells me that we will spend the day packing and getting things ready for the move. When all of a sudden he decides he is going to go out and have a few drinks with the guys. That's fine, until I need to be the one to drive him there. Of course he has to be there in the hour it's down pouring the hardest. So like the nice wife that I am, I go into the nasty weather and drop him off. Thinking he would only be there for a few hours, I go ahead and box up the guest bedroom on my own. I get a text from him later on that he is drunk and doesn't know where he is at. I ask him if he was still at the bar or if he walked to a different one. Nope, turns out he went to a friends house. I tell him since he doesn't know where he is, he can just crash there. That's not good for him, he bugs me at 10:30 to pick him up and join him at the big fire he and the guys made. (great, a bunch of drunk sailors playing with big fire) I argue with him for a little over text, but in the end, I do want him to know, that I will go get him from any situation, regardless where he is, because I love him and want him safe. Doesn't make me any less angry with him though. So after I get the address I googlemap it, and find that it is 45 min away in the middle of no where! I am now more angry with him for traveling to far, without telling me, and now I have to go pick his dumb drunk ass up. On my way there, it's not only dark and on curvy roads, but it's really foggy and I can't see a damn thing. Once I finally got there, I told him to get into the car. He wanted to stay, but I was in no mood to be around a bunch of drunk dumb fucks. Once he got into the car, he laid the seat down and passed out. Smelling up the car with the scent of alcohol. Finally we got back home, I marched up stairs, walked into the master bedroom, and right before I slammed the door in his face I told him to sleep on the couch! I can't believe him! He was out for 9 hours drinking! He wasted the whole day and now tomorrow with being hung over. He has been useless ever since he qualified from prototype. He takes 3 hour naps in the middle of the day, he watches movies and eats whatever I put in front of him. He whines when he wants something, and complains and makes me feel guilty if I don't do it. Then after all I do, I have to do more! I am so over it! I am so angry so livid so done!!!

Why can't men be a little bit more aware of their surroundings? More courteous of those around them? Just for once think of someone else besides themselves. It's horrible when you have to tell him to call his own mother!!

Speaking of mothers, mine is on my shit list too! She never responds, she will be out of contact for days. For fucks sake I could be hurt, and she would never know. She could be hurt and I would never know. This whole idea of hers to move to Belize was the dumbest thing I have ever heard! She is just as selfish and inconsiderate as my husband is! How dare a mother take off and leave her children to fend on their own after losing their father! Ugh, why is the world becoming so self-centered and all about themselves? It's not going to get us anywhere good!

I am over everything and everyone right now. Some of my friends here are driving my crazy! Always wanting to hang out, and having some reason to get attention. I hate trying to make my personality split into 4 or 5 different emotions. Feeling sorry for someone, happy for another, angry and someone else and excited for others. I am over it. Until I move, I am staying in this house, no one is to come over, and I am not leaving unless i really want to! I am so sick of people and their "all about me" attitudes!

Of course not everyone is like this. Caitlyn listened to my rant all day today, and for that I thank her! I am sure I am much more moody because it is late and I am tired and I had a long full day of anger. So I am going to call it a night. Until next time...

~ Live, Laugh, Love

Less Frustration in My Life

Well, less frustration in my life!

We finally got our orders in! We will be living in Everett, WA for the next few years! It will be nice to be somewhere, and know we will be there for some time. I am very excited! It was our number one choice too. I'm very glad everything worked out for us the way we wanted it to! Matthew also qualified and is all done with training. All he has to do is graduate, and we will be on our way. Still no idea if we are going to have the Navy move us, or if we are going to move ourselves. I know Matthew wants to move ourselves. Apparently we can make like 5,000 - 10,000 dollars off the move, but he still has yet to tell me how exactly that works out. Of course, thinking about Matt driving a uhual, with a car on a trailer attached, and then me in the second car following across the country, scares me. Then of course, we will have to pack ourselves, and we all know we means me. So I know that's something I have to talk to Matt about. However he has been in such a grouchy mood lately.

Ever since he got home yesterday around midnight. He has been nothing but mean to me, and just short tempered. He went to a BBQ this morning (I know, sounds weird, but when you are on nights, your mornings become your days), and finished training today. You would think he would be in a good mood. Yet, instead he is in a grouchy mood. Has something to say about everything, and has just been putting me down. Whatever, he is sleeping now, and will be up probably 3am - 4am and will want to wake me up, because he is bored. Oh, and before he decided to go to sleep, he puts on some gross ass horror move. Thanks babe... so thoughtful of you! ...Not

I have also been ignoring the dramatic girl that was causing problems in my life. I think she has finally gotten the hint, that I just don't want to be friends with her. Of course she plays the victim role, and how she was hurt so badly and betrayed, but you know what? Fine. I will play the bad guy, as long as it gets me away from her! Luckily her husband got orders to San Diego, CA so I wont have to ever put up with her shit again. So yay for that! Other than that, not too much is going on.

I am sad to leave the good friends I have made here. That's one of the hardest parts about being a military wife, you make friends just to leave them. Of course, the next place we will be, (Everett, WA) we will be for a while. So hopefully I make some good friends there like I did here! I hope I do, because if I don't, deployments are going to be really lonely. Of course I do have one really good friend I made here, going to Bangor, WA which is only 1.5 hours away. All is exciting, everything is changing, but in a good way. I can't wait to see what our new home is going to be like.

The area, as well as the home we decide to rent out for 2-4 years. I have been looking online, and have found some gorgeous places all within our price range. So I am going to be calling up some people this week and next to get details on the home and if they allow pets or not. Over half the places I have looked at, don't allow cats, or pets over 15lbs, and Matt and I are going to be looking to get a puppy while we are there.

Speaking of puppies! One of my best friends, Chrissy, breeds German Shepherds and she has a litter coming in August! So hopefully, if they litter is right, we will be able to get a male from them, and have him come join us in November!! That will give us time to find a place, unpack and get settled in. We shall see what happens though. No use in getting my hopes up now, to find that it doesn't work out as well as I had planned and hoped.

Anyway, this is a long enough post. I get so carried away with typing and babbling that it just goes on and on. Of course I only blog when I am bored too, so I suppose that's another reason these blogs get so crazy long! So with that, I leave you with....

~ Live, Laugh, Love

This is My Life! I Have Ultimate Power

It's all just becoming so frustrating!

I am getting so frustrated with everything right now. The Navy still has yet to tell my husband where he will be going after he graduates on the 23rd of this month. That's less than two weeks away, and we still have no idea. How are we supposed to prepare for a move, if we don't even know where we are going? Of course that is what is mainly on my mind. Then of course there are the Navy Wives. I feel blessed that I have made so many friends while I have been here in New York, but the drama that goes along with, I could live without. Honestly I would rather sit at home, alone, bored and miserable then have to deal with any more drama! People just need to learn to grow up. I know, that's asking for too much.

You are probably wondering what drama I am talking about this time. Guess what? Same person I have mentioned in the last few blogs. Anyway, I let her know what I was feeling, and why I was upset with her, only for her to turn around and tell me that was all bullshit. How can you tell someone that what they are feeling is bullshit? You don't know what the other person is feeling. I hate how nice I am sometimes. I let myself get walked on and used. I hate being mean, but now I see, sometimes you have to be mean to get your point across. Some people just don't hear you any other way. Of course this time, I wasn't mean. I politely and nicely told her how I was feeling, and when she came back at me with insults that didn't really make all that much sense I ignored it. Ignoring it seems to be my favorite solution, and yet it still eats me up inside, because she goes to all my other friends, and they come to me. Even though I tell them I don't want to hear it, I can't help but care and want to be there for them. I hate having to put them in the situation of having to put up with her shit. I guess they can all do what I did, and she will soon find out that she can't treat people that way or they wont stick around.

Anyway, along with the drama, my family has been stressing me out. If it's not me trying to contact them, it's no one trying to contact me. I feel the only way I will stay connected to my family is if I put forth the effort, and right now, it doesn't feel worth it to me. I love my mom, and as much as I hate to admit it, I love my brother too. However, anytime I want to talk to them about things pertaining to my life, it's "Oh I have to go" or "Hey, someone just walked in" or some other excuse to get off the phone. I know they are busy and have their own lives, but it really hurts when they don't have time for me. All I ask for is 5 min of their day. I know i have my husband but, what about when he is deployed?

That's another thing I am frustrated with. The sooner he graduates, the sooner the deployments, and then the sooner I face utter aloneness. Then with a family who doesn't seem to want to waste time with me, I feel I wont have much to lean on. I know I am strong, and I will get through it, but doesn't stop my emotions. All of them running wild. Frustration, sadness, scared and more. I know I should worry about it now, and start stressing about it when the day comes, but that thought has been lingering in my head ever sense he said he signed the papers! So naturally, that the dates have moved to be that much closer, it is more on my mind.

Anyway, the whole drama issue, let's hope I resolved for the last time. If she continues to bug me, I will have my husband block her number from my phone. Hell, I may even have him do that anyway. Of course when it comes to the Navy, I know i have no control over it, and I just have to sit back and roll with the punches. I just want things to be as simple as they used to be! Back in kindergarden, where everyone was friends, and no one cared what you looked like, stood for, or even smelled. Where lunch was always there in your lunchbox, and the people you cares about waited for you to get off the school bus. The days where no matter what kind of day it was, rain or shine, it was going to be a good day. I am going to go back to those days, I am going to try my hardest to make my life go back to simplistic times. Maybe not that simplistic, but where the day will be great, no matter the weather, no matter the situations.

I will make my life the way I want it to be. It may not happen over night, but I will learn with time, that this is MY life, and I wont live it stressed, frustrated and upset, because I have ultimate power over what goes on. I will take control back!

~ Live, Laugh, Love