Crazy Cat Woman?!

I have been around the neighborhood several times looking for signs that say "Now Hiring". I have even been to places that don't have signs, just to make sure. I have filled out countless of applications, and had a few interviews, but for some odd reason, I am never the one they hire. I dress up nicely, I smile, I am clean, I sound enthusiastic, and yet, still no job. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, but hope it fixes itself soon, because I need money!

Anyway, I keep being told, that I need to occupy my time, find a hobby. So I came up with one. Filming and editing videos. Though I need ideas, inspiration, and when I go and ask all the people who have told me to get a hobby, I am told I need a life, and a job. OK so now I am pissed. No shit I need a job! Obviously that is all I have been trying to do these past 4 months!! At this point I was becoming depressed so the idea of filming my cat popped into my head. I made one video, it was a ton of fun, and now i am being made fun of. Why? Because I am alone all day? Because everyone else has friends that they can call up and hang out with? Because they all got jobs? They fail to realize, that I sit at home the majority of the day, alone, with nothing to do. My cat is the only other living thing in this house 90% of the time, so he and I have a special bond. Which Matt is a little jealous of. But why is it, when I want to film people, it's cool, but filming my cat, I become some Crazy Cat Woman? If it were a dog, it would probably be different too. Yes, I am pissed. Because I finally found something to occupy my time, and I am told I need a job, I am crazy, I am not "Normal".

What is "Normal"? No one I know is "Normal". Everyone I know, has their own way of living, none of them the same. Oh, and here is something! I had a problem, I am alone and bored and depressed. I found a solution! I figured out that my cat helps me get through the day, this is a way to spend time with him, give him the attention he deserves, and post it on youtube, where I am sure many other people will enjoy him too. I found a way to occupy my time, and not feel so bad about being alone. All the people who tell me I am stupid, crazy and need a job, well they come to me with their own bundle of problems. But you know the difference between us? I found a solution, I found a way to fix my problem. They just sit and complain without doing anything about it. So fuck them. I will do what I want, and they can leave from my life.

Most of the people who tell me these things, have no idea what is going on in my life. Because anytime we talk, they only talk about themselves, never asking about me, and how I am doing. the people who do know how I am feeling, (i.e. Caitlyn, Tyler, Matt and my mom) they support my idea of filming Max. They think it's a great hobby for me. So as to everyone else, like my brother. Fuck off.

Yes, I am pissed, but I am so sick of people telling me something, then when I go off and do it, tell me to do the thing I have already been trying to do for 4 months! Just shut the fuck up, and just listen for once!!!

Anyway, I don't care what others say about my idea of wanting to film my cat. He and i will have a good time doing it, and we will share our final product to those who actually want to see it. Everyone else if they care to see it, can obviously, but it wont be by my invitation. I wont listen to all the "haters" out there, telling me my idea is stupid. For it does make me happy. Max is a special cat, and when the day comes that he passes away, I will be happy that I have videos to remind me of what kind of cat he was.

Anyway, I am done ranting. I am going to do what makes me happy, and I will post the link of the final product here.

~ Live, Laugh, Love

It's the feeling of being "Alone"

This past week I have been dog sitting for one of Matt's friends. His wife is out of town, and the dog I guess is destructive while left alone for more that just an hour or so. Matt and I agreed I would watch the dog throughout the day. I have nothing else better going on, and we could use the extra pocket cash. Since I have the dog here, and we don't want any of our things ruined, I haven't been able to go anywhere without her. She is a cute dog, but extremely needy. It's one thing to ask for some attention, and a whole other thing when it is thrust upon you at full force. causing you to gasp for air before you realize what happened. Slobber all over your face while the dog licks you frantically in excitement. I usually love dogs, they are great companions and help make it easier on people when they suffer from loneliness. yet, this dog in particular, is more of a pain than anything else. My poor cat has been held hostage on top of the refrigerator, for every-time he tries to get a little attention himself, he is attacked. Baring teeth, growls and deep threatening barks. No matter how many times I try to tell this dog, that acting the way she does around my cat, is not ok, she continues to do what she wants. "Sit" and "Stay" mean nothing to her. While my husband and I are eating lunch or dinner, she is licking our knees slobbering, and staring intently at our food. No matter how many times she is kicked out of the way, thrown into another room, yelled at or sprayed with water, it wont get through to her. I regret ever accepting this job. Tomorrow is the last day I have to watch her however. Matt's friend's wife will be getting home in the afternoon, so I can hand the little demon child back over to her parents, and never have to worry about her again.

While I was dog sitting I did learn a few things. This house is big enough for a dog, as much as Matt hated to admit that, he knew I was right. However, not having a backyard was a challenge this week. Every hour on the hour, I would take the dog outside on a leash to let her go to the bathroom. I was not going to take any risks of a mess in this house. (I don't have any of the cleaning supplies to get out any stains right now) I suppose a puppy would learn to not run away the second he/she is not on a leash, and i would be able to take the puppy out back and play without a fence. Or instead of investing in a fence, just get a simple dog run, and put it up to the back door to our patio, leaving both doors open. Giving us a "Small" back yard. So many options. Matt was thinking he would get me a puppy for my birthday, so we will see how that goes.

Nothing else has been going on with me however. I have been reading the Twilight series, and i have grown very fond of the books. It has really helped pass my day while I sit in the house with the dog. I take her on walks, but that can only take up so much time, and TV has lost my interest. So reading was a nice change. Matt and I were going to go Kayaking this weekend, but he was "too tired" to go, so instead, he and his buddies washed their cars, and all smoked hookah, while I finished my book all weekend. It was a bummer. Since I am inside and cooped up here all week, I had to do the exact same thing on the weekend, followed by a whole other week of the same thing. I suppose I am getting restless, the feeling of wanting to scream, cry and punch a hole in the wall all at the same time, seems to be getting stronger everyday.

Sure I could go out, but there isn't much to go to. I could go to the mall, but if you know me at all, you know I hate the mall. I hate the crowds, the over priced merchandise and the fact that I want a lot of things, but can't have any of it. I know this blog sounds whiney, but I am growing so frustrated, that I need to let some of it escape. I know I don't do much, but sitting at home all day, with no friends, really take a lot out of you. It gives me so much more time to think, and when I am alone and upset, thinking isn't the best thing for me. I try to keep myself busy, with cleaning and going to the gym (or walking the dog) If errands are needing to be ran, I will run the errands, but Matt is gone from 6am - 9pm. How do I use up every little bit of my time, where I am not going to sit down and feel like I am alone. Matt might be here, yes, but he is gone more often, so I do feel like I am here alone.

I try not to tell Matt how I am feeling. How lonely I feel, and how desperately I want friends my own age. Sure, some of the Navy wives are nice, but it's frustrating that every-time you see them, they get drunk and wont allow me to drink with them, since I am "under-aged". Then why was I even invited in the first place? Not like you need a designated driver, we are usually at one of their homes. Then when they are drunk and i am sitting their quietly watching how loud they are, and debating if I should just slip out back and leave, they tell me how I should be a wife, and treat my husband. I understand we are all newly weds, but I have been married the longest. Besides, every relationship is different. Her husband likes to have a ton of attention, mine shudders at the thought of someone noticing him in a public place. (ok, maybe not that bad, but you get my point) Anyway, I got over it, and I stopped hanging out with them, it was worse to be with them then alone. Although being alone is pretty hard.

My mind is very cloudy and I can't seem to think straight. I suppose the last few days I was so absorbed into my books, that when I finished "New Moon" and was unable to go on to "Eclipse" because I haven't been able to find it, I have been thinking again. I need to stop doing that. Thinking. It gets me into a log of trouble. The thoughts of how I am thinking. How I am feeling. How am I feeling? It's the Feeling of being "Alone".

Anyway, I am going to stop this babble here, before I sound more whiney. Hope I will find something to do around this house, besides eat.

~Live, Laugh, Love