Throw me at the FInish Line

It has been a long while since I last updated over here. So long that the whole deployment has been over for several months now!

I must say, while going through the deployment it felt like time would never move forward. However, once the wonderful day came that brought us back together, it felt like a a tornado came in swept me up and threw me at the finish line! Matthew was able to see some amazing places while he was on deployment. Some of the places were: Malaysia, Dubai and Bahrain. At the end of the deployment the Lincoln stopped into Hawaii for a few days before heading back to San Diego to drop off the rest of the fleet and back home to Everett, WA. Hawaii is where I met Matthew for his homecoming. He was able to take 2 weeks of leave, so when he stepped off that ship, he wasn't stepping back on until both Matt and the ship were back home in Everett.

Matthew and I took great advantage of our time in Hawaii. The first day we were there, we just enjoyed each others company, talked about what has been going on in each of our lives, and walked along the beach. Of course that night we were quickly evacuated from our hotel room and put to high grounds on the ballroom floor awaiting for the Tsunami to pass. All very exciting for a 2-foot swell. Luckily it did not stop the rest of our stay. We were able to go to a Luau, jet skiing, parasailing, ride in a submarine, walk the streets of Honolulu, and of course eat at some of the finest restaurants and soak in the sun at the beach! Our week there felt short, but both Matt and I were ready to get home!

Now that Matt has been home for a few months, we have gotten back into a routine and swing of things having each other around. I am so happy to have him home again. He will be going on short underway's every few weeks for about a month or so, but nothing compares to the deployment we just concurred.

The next long deployment will be the end of 2011, and there Matthew and the rest of the Sailors on the Lincoln will be going all the way around the world to the Middle-East and Europe only to finish up in Virginia where the Lincoln will be for the next few years. So yes, Matthew and I will be making yet another coast-to-coast drive! This time we plan on having the Navy move us, shipping a car, and riding together! Hopefully it wont be as miserable as the last time!

Oh the joys of military life... While Matt was away on deployment, I managed to get a job at the Outlet Mall, and I have been there for just over 7 months now! I love the woman I work with and for the most part enjoy what I do. Lately we have been going through some "drama" to say-the-least, and that has been pretty stressful and frustrating. However, that comes with the whole territory of having a job. Money is money and in this economy, I really should be happy with what I have, so I will save the bitching and whining on that.

Well, that has been my life in a nutshell for the last 9ish months! I hope to not go so long without posting again. I do know there are some things in my life that I am looking forward to, and will be more than willing to share! But until then... see you next time!!

~Live, Laugh, Love

In The Deep End, Treading Water

It has been 3 weeks since Matthew has left on deployment. I guess I can look at it as "3 weeks less until the day I see him!" but keeping that upbeat attitude gets really old really fast. I feel alone, deserted, and isolated from the rest of the world. Maybe that is my fault. It's not that I hate going places alone, but when I feel alone, I hate going places by myself because then it just magnifies the feeling of being alone. So therefore, I like to stay indoors and shelter myself away.

Luckily for me, I have my friend Elsie moving in with me. No set date yet, but it should be early October. I hope her being here will help me deal with the deployment. This whole experience sucks. I miss my husband, and I want him to be home with me, laying in bed next to me, and his arm wrapped around me as I lay my head on his chest, and listen to the sound of his heart beating. I know I am cheesy, but these are the things I miss that I took for granted. I knew the deployment would happen when I said "I Do" so I have little to no room to complain or whine. I understood what I was dipping my toes into, and knew the further I got in, I would be swimming alone. Well here I am, now in the deep end, treading water, just trying to keep my head above surface. Waiting for my man to come back and bring me back to the shallow part of the pool.

The most frustrating part of this all, is the people I expected to be supporting me aren't. I expected my mom to be a little bit more worried and caring about my position, and instead she has showed no sign of either. She has called once since Matt has been away, and I had to initiate the conversation. Apparently, what is going on in my life isn't anything to care about, or check in on. She really is digging herself a deep hole. She continues this way, she wont be able to get out, and when she actually starts to care again, I wont let her in. I am sick of crying over her, and being hurt and let down. So I will do the what it takes to protect myself from those feelings, and that may end up shutting her out completely. Boy, will she regret her self absorbed self when grandkids come along.

I have had so many feelings and emotions running through my head. I know it is an emotional time for me, so I let myself kind of roll with the waves, and that has been working so far, until recently where is has been sadness after sadness. To me, that is a sign that I may be slipping into depression. I have been in depression before, I know the signs, I know how I react to it, and most of all, I know how to stop it. So I have been going out and laying in the sun and taking walks. However, being alone while doing so, and then coming home to an empty house never fully rids of the feeling and it soon comes back, and this time stronger.

I know when Elsie gets here things will be better, as well as when I finally find a job and start working. I really regret not getting a puppy when I had the chance. I believe having a dog to concentrate on and train would really help my situation. However Matthew really wanted to be a part of the puppies life growing up, and I understand that. He wants to be a daddy, and I respect him for wanting that connection with the dog. So I agreed to wait, and still do, but sometimes I think it would be so much easier on me if we just went ahead and got the dog.

Sadly, we didn't and I did agree, and so I must live with that decision. I will continue to do what I have been, and look for a job. I know once I start working, things will become so much better. It is reason to get up in the morning, and hopefully make some fun friends to go out to a bar with and have a few drinks. I can only hope things for me get better, and time starts to speed up!

~Live, Laugh, Love

This is My Place to: Vent, Rant, Cry and Laugh

Matthew checked into the base today! He says the ship is ginormous inside and out and feels it will take a month or two of figuring out until he will know where he need to go to get to where he is going. He was assigned a rack and another Petty Officer stayed late after his shift to show him around. He seemed pretty excited about the whole thing.

Of course I can see the nerves he has, because one, I have them too, and two, I am his wife, and I know him very well. Seems like I know him better than he knows himself at times! He was told it was a great time to show up, right before a deployment. The guy showing him around said, as horrible as it may seem, it works out great in your benefit. He will get to qualify much faster being out at sea, and start his job, and also gain a rank! So my baby will be an E5 when he comes home, without having to re-enlist! As well as the big deployment being now, he will get to be home for the next 8 months, and may not have to go back out to sea for any of that time. Oh but here is the kicker! Are you all ready for this?!

Matthew was informed that the Lincoln will be moving ports in Jan of 2012! So my dreams of being somewhere for a long period of time were crushed! We will have to move all the way back to the East Coast to Virginia in a year and 4 months. Then we will move, and right after (or right before we move) matt will go on another 8 months deployment. I suppose a year and 4 months is longer than the 6 months we were in New York, but not as long as I would have hoped for. Oh well, we will see how this all plays out, and I am sure I will blog about it.

As of right now, in the moment, I am sad, mad, nervous, anxious, and having a bit of a sweet tooth. Matthew and I had the "D" talk today... that's right, DOG. (What were you thinking?! lol) I have been wanting one, and wanting one, and he has been coming up with every excuse not to go ahead and get one. "too expensive" "I wont see him grow up" "We don't have a big enough place" "we already have 2 cats'' "It's just not the right time" blah blah blah blah BLAH! Anyway, he and I had a long talk and it ended with me mad, and storming off into the bedroom, and him sitting downstairs playing his games.

He ended up coming upstairs to apologize after each of us had time to cool off, and he told me if I wanted to keep looking while he was gone, and found one I know he would approve of and for the right price, I can go ahead and get him. If not, when he gets home, we will bump up the price we are willing to pay for the dog, and go ahead and get one from the breeders in the area.

What's funny, is my friend Caitlyn and I had plotted this whole scheme before he mentioned it. So either he was reading our messages, or she and I are just smart, and he finally gained half a brain cell! Either way, we talked it out in a mature manner and we are all better now. He even helped me make dinner tonight!

We ended up making breakfast for dinner, possibly one of my favorite things in the world! We had bacon and eggs, and Matthew made diced potatoes and seasoned them! So delicious! It was fun, we were jamming out to music on his new speakers, dancing around and being goofy! It was fabulous!

Matthew bought new speakers yesterday. Not just any speakers. Gigantic home theatre speakers, like you see in rich peoples "Theatre room". He has been looking at this specific brand for about a year now, and budgeting for them. When all of a sudden a guy on Craigslist was selling the exact same speakers, sub woofer and receiver matt wanted, all for 1,000 bucks. I know it seems like a lot, but apparently these speakers are 650 a piece. So he got not only a great deal, but we have money left over from what we were saving for... (Can we say, "Add to the puppy fund!"? I know I can!) Anyway, he is so excited about these speakers, it's ridiculous. It makes me heart melt to see him so happy about something. It's been a while since he has gotten himself something like this. he works, and works and gets paid, but he never spends it on anything BIG. Mostly little things, like a game here and there or clothes or food. so I am happy for him.

Goodness, I really shouldn't do the blogs when I am bored and have a lot of time on my hands. They get to be really long and boring. I should try spicing these up! Nah... this is my place to get all my thoughts out. vent, rant, cry, laugh, whatever. It's really not for your enjoyment, so don't think for one minute I care what you think! Haha jk, I do.. but not enough to change anything. so HA! Anyway, I am going to go, with all the goofing around and dancing in the kitchen, we made a mess, so I should clean that up before I become too lazy to do so! Until next time...

~ Live, Laugh, Love

We Finally Made it to Washington

So, Matthew and I finally made it to Washington! We are living in the cutest town home in Marysville, and I couldn't be happier with our find. It's crazy to think that Matt and I will be here for at least 3 years! We will be here for a while! We wont be moving so soon! It's so exciting! :)

We got here on the 4th of August, and unloaded the truck and everything that day. Just Matt and myself, it was hard, but I am very proud of myself. I am a lot stronger than I thought I was! Throughout the weeks, we have been slowly unpacking, and playing games mostly. Last weekend we decided we would go into downtown Seattle. It was a ton of fun, as we walked through what felt like a carnival, and then toured the science museum. Matthew was cute, trying out every little experiment thing they had set up. He was just one of the other 300 kids running around. We didn't see much of Seattle last week, because it's a huge city, but we hope to go back before Matthew leaves.

Yes, Matthew's ship the U.S.S Abraham Lincoln is scheduled to leave in early September for 8 months. I am not looking forward to it one bit. I can't complain too much, I knew this day would come for 2 years now. I have been talking to my friend Elsie, and I think she may come down and live with us for a while though. It will be so nice to have her as a roommate while he is gone, and more fun when he is here. She will just become part of the family.

I hope it works out well at least. My friend Caitlyn has had several roommates, and each had their problems, so I hope it's not like that! We will see though, and she and I both agreed, if it doesn't work out, we will help her find a nice place in town she can afford.

While Matt is away, I also plan on having a job. I have been looking like crazy, but i haven't heard back or found anything yet. But I have only been looking for about 2 weeks, so I haven't lost hope yet. Just have to keep trying. Something will come up sooner or later!

Things in Washington are going well so far. The allergies are really starting to bug me, but I pop in a Clearetin Clear first thing in the morning and it usually lasts all day! the weather isn't as rainy as everyone says it is. We have been here for about 20 days now, and i have seen maybe 2 days of rain. Maybe that is a lot to some people? But not to me. Besides it wasn't like a down pour of rain, it was more of a light misting throughout the day, it was actually very nice. But I do hear in the winter, it rains a lot more. Most winters it just rains and rains and never snows, but there are the occasionally winters where it snows, and it snows a ton! Well, I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Anyway, things are going well here for the moment, I know I wont be saying this when it comes time to see my baby off to sea. But until that day comes...

~ Live, Laugh, Love

I Have to go off, Be by Myself, and Suffer

I hate traveling. I usually always love the destination, but why does the getting there, have to suck so much?

Matthew and I have been on the road now for 4 days. He is driving the truck, which holds all of our belongings, as well as towing our Acura, and I am driving the Prius. So not only are we driving long days, but we are doing it separately. It's really no wonder why people opt to have a moving company come in and move your things for you. It's a pain in the butt to do it yourself! I am so exhausted, so irritated so annoyed at everything. Mostly because I am tired and when I get tired, I get moody.

Matthew has the GPS with him in the truck, and he is leading the way, while I follow. We have walkie talkies, so we are able to communicate with one another when there are maneuvers that we need to do coming up. Of course, he seems to get irritated at me each time I ask when the next time we will be needing to do something. I'm sorry, but in case we do get separated, I want to have an idea of where I need to be! Because other than being behind him, I have no idea where I am or where I am going! I am sure he is stressed out and just as tired as I am, but I have been very good about not giving him my anger. He has been good too, until we got to his house.

He decides that while we were sitting on the deck with his step-mom that would be a great time to yell at me for complaining about the move. I'm sorry, but I am not happy with it! I didn't want to move ourselves!!! He never even really asked me if I was OK with it in the first place. To be honest I don't think he even went to housing and asked for information about them moving us, he just knew we would make money this way, so he took that option. I understand making money is good, but it doesn't mean I have to like the process any better! Even if he is sick of listening to me complain, he could have told me privately! Instead of yelling at me in front of his family! God he really pisses me off!

I already feel awkward around his family. They didn't agree with us getting married in the first place, so I feel weird being around them. Now I feel worse cause he decided to be a dick to me in front of them. Start arguments in front of them! He was bitching to his mom about me, telling her how much I wanted a baby... Which isn't true!!! Just because I say I want a baby, doesn't mean I want one NOW! But he had to go on and make shit up about how much I wanted one, and how much I wanted it now, so now she thinks i probably lost my mind! I never speak bad about him to my mom! Because I want her to think the very best of him, but no, of course he has to bitch about me to his family.

I am just to a breaking point. I want to cry! I hate driving, I hate being in horrible situations, I hate not having my family to go to... I feel like when he acts this way, I am all alone in the world! That I have to go off, be by myself, and suffer. He doesn't treat me well in front of his family at all! Like he has something to prove?! I don't know, but he is going to hear about it tonight. This isn't the first time, and it wont be the first time I brought it up either!

Why is it everything is about "Men". What they want, is what they get. What they need, we have to get it for them. Their convenience is the only way. Doesn't matter how I feel, or what I think, it's all him... him... him! I am sick of it being him...him...him... sometimes I want it to be me!!! We never eat where I want to, unless he is in the mood. We never see the movie I want to, because he thinks it looks dumb. We never do the activity I want to, because he would rather do something else. And to be T.M.I we never have good sex, because it's all about him, never about me! I am sick of it!!!! I feel trapped!!!! and I don't know what to do. He doesn't listen. We have had the conversation over and over and over. I have tried not doing the things he wants, and we end up doing nothing. Why in the world did I get married?! Why?!

Do I love him? Of course!!! Would I ever leave him? No! I will stick by him no matter what, because despite these traits, he is still a great guy. I just don't understand why it has to be his way all the time, and when I want something it's like pulling teeth to get it! One of these days he will understand, even if it means surgically inserting a chip into his brain, and making him have courtesy to others, and willing to compromise.

Anyway, I am going to take a nap. I don't want to take all this anger out on the rest of the family, or boil up anymore inside, so I am going to get some rest, and hopefully wake up more relaxed and refreshed.

~ Live, Laugh, Love

Sick of People and Their "All About Me" Attitudes

I love the fact that we are moving on Tuesday, and yet hardly anything has been packed. What has been packed, is my doing, without that, we would have literally nothing done.

Matthew has pushed me to the edge tonight, and everything he has done all week has finally made me snap with his selfishness and inconsideration of others. Yesterday he tells me that we will spend the day packing and getting things ready for the move. When all of a sudden he decides he is going to go out and have a few drinks with the guys. That's fine, until I need to be the one to drive him there. Of course he has to be there in the hour it's down pouring the hardest. So like the nice wife that I am, I go into the nasty weather and drop him off. Thinking he would only be there for a few hours, I go ahead and box up the guest bedroom on my own. I get a text from him later on that he is drunk and doesn't know where he is at. I ask him if he was still at the bar or if he walked to a different one. Nope, turns out he went to a friends house. I tell him since he doesn't know where he is, he can just crash there. That's not good for him, he bugs me at 10:30 to pick him up and join him at the big fire he and the guys made. (great, a bunch of drunk sailors playing with big fire) I argue with him for a little over text, but in the end, I do want him to know, that I will go get him from any situation, regardless where he is, because I love him and want him safe. Doesn't make me any less angry with him though. So after I get the address I googlemap it, and find that it is 45 min away in the middle of no where! I am now more angry with him for traveling to far, without telling me, and now I have to go pick his dumb drunk ass up. On my way there, it's not only dark and on curvy roads, but it's really foggy and I can't see a damn thing. Once I finally got there, I told him to get into the car. He wanted to stay, but I was in no mood to be around a bunch of drunk dumb fucks. Once he got into the car, he laid the seat down and passed out. Smelling up the car with the scent of alcohol. Finally we got back home, I marched up stairs, walked into the master bedroom, and right before I slammed the door in his face I told him to sleep on the couch! I can't believe him! He was out for 9 hours drinking! He wasted the whole day and now tomorrow with being hung over. He has been useless ever since he qualified from prototype. He takes 3 hour naps in the middle of the day, he watches movies and eats whatever I put in front of him. He whines when he wants something, and complains and makes me feel guilty if I don't do it. Then after all I do, I have to do more! I am so over it! I am so angry so livid so done!!!

Why can't men be a little bit more aware of their surroundings? More courteous of those around them? Just for once think of someone else besides themselves. It's horrible when you have to tell him to call his own mother!!

Speaking of mothers, mine is on my shit list too! She never responds, she will be out of contact for days. For fucks sake I could be hurt, and she would never know. She could be hurt and I would never know. This whole idea of hers to move to Belize was the dumbest thing I have ever heard! She is just as selfish and inconsiderate as my husband is! How dare a mother take off and leave her children to fend on their own after losing their father! Ugh, why is the world becoming so self-centered and all about themselves? It's not going to get us anywhere good!

I am over everything and everyone right now. Some of my friends here are driving my crazy! Always wanting to hang out, and having some reason to get attention. I hate trying to make my personality split into 4 or 5 different emotions. Feeling sorry for someone, happy for another, angry and someone else and excited for others. I am over it. Until I move, I am staying in this house, no one is to come over, and I am not leaving unless i really want to! I am so sick of people and their "all about me" attitudes!

Of course not everyone is like this. Caitlyn listened to my rant all day today, and for that I thank her! I am sure I am much more moody because it is late and I am tired and I had a long full day of anger. So I am going to call it a night. Until next time...

~ Live, Laugh, Love

Less Frustration in My Life

Well, less frustration in my life!

We finally got our orders in! We will be living in Everett, WA for the next few years! It will be nice to be somewhere, and know we will be there for some time. I am very excited! It was our number one choice too. I'm very glad everything worked out for us the way we wanted it to! Matthew also qualified and is all done with training. All he has to do is graduate, and we will be on our way. Still no idea if we are going to have the Navy move us, or if we are going to move ourselves. I know Matthew wants to move ourselves. Apparently we can make like 5,000 - 10,000 dollars off the move, but he still has yet to tell me how exactly that works out. Of course, thinking about Matt driving a uhual, with a car on a trailer attached, and then me in the second car following across the country, scares me. Then of course, we will have to pack ourselves, and we all know we means me. So I know that's something I have to talk to Matt about. However he has been in such a grouchy mood lately.

Ever since he got home yesterday around midnight. He has been nothing but mean to me, and just short tempered. He went to a BBQ this morning (I know, sounds weird, but when you are on nights, your mornings become your days), and finished training today. You would think he would be in a good mood. Yet, instead he is in a grouchy mood. Has something to say about everything, and has just been putting me down. Whatever, he is sleeping now, and will be up probably 3am - 4am and will want to wake me up, because he is bored. Oh, and before he decided to go to sleep, he puts on some gross ass horror move. Thanks babe... so thoughtful of you! ...Not

I have also been ignoring the dramatic girl that was causing problems in my life. I think she has finally gotten the hint, that I just don't want to be friends with her. Of course she plays the victim role, and how she was hurt so badly and betrayed, but you know what? Fine. I will play the bad guy, as long as it gets me away from her! Luckily her husband got orders to San Diego, CA so I wont have to ever put up with her shit again. So yay for that! Other than that, not too much is going on.

I am sad to leave the good friends I have made here. That's one of the hardest parts about being a military wife, you make friends just to leave them. Of course, the next place we will be, (Everett, WA) we will be for a while. So hopefully I make some good friends there like I did here! I hope I do, because if I don't, deployments are going to be really lonely. Of course I do have one really good friend I made here, going to Bangor, WA which is only 1.5 hours away. All is exciting, everything is changing, but in a good way. I can't wait to see what our new home is going to be like.

The area, as well as the home we decide to rent out for 2-4 years. I have been looking online, and have found some gorgeous places all within our price range. So I am going to be calling up some people this week and next to get details on the home and if they allow pets or not. Over half the places I have looked at, don't allow cats, or pets over 15lbs, and Matt and I are going to be looking to get a puppy while we are there.

Speaking of puppies! One of my best friends, Chrissy, breeds German Shepherds and she has a litter coming in August! So hopefully, if they litter is right, we will be able to get a male from them, and have him come join us in November!! That will give us time to find a place, unpack and get settled in. We shall see what happens though. No use in getting my hopes up now, to find that it doesn't work out as well as I had planned and hoped.

Anyway, this is a long enough post. I get so carried away with typing and babbling that it just goes on and on. Of course I only blog when I am bored too, so I suppose that's another reason these blogs get so crazy long! So with that, I leave you with....

~ Live, Laugh, Love