In The Deep End, Treading Water

It has been 3 weeks since Matthew has left on deployment. I guess I can look at it as "3 weeks less until the day I see him!" but keeping that upbeat attitude gets really old really fast. I feel alone, deserted, and isolated from the rest of the world. Maybe that is my fault. It's not that I hate going places alone, but when I feel alone, I hate going places by myself because then it just magnifies the feeling of being alone. So therefore, I like to stay indoors and shelter myself away.

Luckily for me, I have my friend Elsie moving in with me. No set date yet, but it should be early October. I hope her being here will help me deal with the deployment. This whole experience sucks. I miss my husband, and I want him to be home with me, laying in bed next to me, and his arm wrapped around me as I lay my head on his chest, and listen to the sound of his heart beating. I know I am cheesy, but these are the things I miss that I took for granted. I knew the deployment would happen when I said "I Do" so I have little to no room to complain or whine. I understood what I was dipping my toes into, and knew the further I got in, I would be swimming alone. Well here I am, now in the deep end, treading water, just trying to keep my head above surface. Waiting for my man to come back and bring me back to the shallow part of the pool.

The most frustrating part of this all, is the people I expected to be supporting me aren't. I expected my mom to be a little bit more worried and caring about my position, and instead she has showed no sign of either. She has called once since Matt has been away, and I had to initiate the conversation. Apparently, what is going on in my life isn't anything to care about, or check in on. She really is digging herself a deep hole. She continues this way, she wont be able to get out, and when she actually starts to care again, I wont let her in. I am sick of crying over her, and being hurt and let down. So I will do the what it takes to protect myself from those feelings, and that may end up shutting her out completely. Boy, will she regret her self absorbed self when grandkids come along.

I have had so many feelings and emotions running through my head. I know it is an emotional time for me, so I let myself kind of roll with the waves, and that has been working so far, until recently where is has been sadness after sadness. To me, that is a sign that I may be slipping into depression. I have been in depression before, I know the signs, I know how I react to it, and most of all, I know how to stop it. So I have been going out and laying in the sun and taking walks. However, being alone while doing so, and then coming home to an empty house never fully rids of the feeling and it soon comes back, and this time stronger.

I know when Elsie gets here things will be better, as well as when I finally find a job and start working. I really regret not getting a puppy when I had the chance. I believe having a dog to concentrate on and train would really help my situation. However Matthew really wanted to be a part of the puppies life growing up, and I understand that. He wants to be a daddy, and I respect him for wanting that connection with the dog. So I agreed to wait, and still do, but sometimes I think it would be so much easier on me if we just went ahead and got the dog.

Sadly, we didn't and I did agree, and so I must live with that decision. I will continue to do what I have been, and look for a job. I know once I start working, things will become so much better. It is reason to get up in the morning, and hopefully make some fun friends to go out to a bar with and have a few drinks. I can only hope things for me get better, and time starts to speed up!

~Live, Laugh, Love