When It Rains, It Pours

Drama.

I am so sick of drama. I thought when I graduated high school I would have gotten away from it all, but it always seems to find a way to leak back into my life. This time, when I am dealing with it, I am doing the mature thing, like a normal adult should do. I am going to ignore the situation. Not talk about it, and just let it blow over. This doesn't mean I am not aggravated by it, or not bothered by it, but I don't want to feed it, and have it become a bigger problem. Part of me wants to just lash out, and let every emotion I am feeling come pouring out. Yet, if I do that, I know things I wont want to say, will come out along with the rest of my word vomit, and cause some serious damage. Another part of me wants to discuss this situation maturely and let the other know how I feel. However, I know this wont be taken in a mature matter, and will only be twisted to become another issue of drama. So yes, my last choice is to ignore the whole situation all together. We will see how it plays out, and hopefully, it plays out the way I hope it will.

On top of all the drama I have been dealing with other emotions. It's the month of June, which holds the national holiday for dads. Also known as: Father's Day. This holiday is very hard on me, seeing as a few years ago I lost mine to prostate cancer. I am still grieving, and still upset, but have moved on with my life and have become very happy. Yet, when I walk into a store, and all I see are shirts that say "#1 dad" or cards saying "Happy Fathers Day" or the commercials on TV telling me what my dad would like for fathers day, it's like a slap in the face and a reminder that mine is no longer physically with me. Also, I feel the more time passes the less I feel him spiritually. It's becoming harder to hear his laugh in my head, or remember the warm embrace his hugs gave me. Unless I look at a photo, I can hardly see his smile. To top all this off, I am going to Colorado this month to go through his old things with my mom and brother. It's going to be a hard time for all of us, especially with Father's Day being right around the corner. I hope to grab a few things to help me latch onto his memory even more and to hold and cherish to someday pass onto my children so they have something to connect to their grandfather and feel like they know him in some way.

My husband tries to help with my grieving, and bless his little heart for trying. I don't blame him for not knowing what to do or how to handle the situation. I mean, honestly who does? However, he and I had a serious conversation the other night, and part of what he said hurt my feelings. Mostly about my weight. He has admitted that he wants me to lose the weight for selfish reasons. He wonders what sex would be like with a girl as skinny as he is. I am not that over weight. Granted I am heavy set, but not by much, and I am currently working on it. I have been doing very well, and have even seen some progress. Although, I told him, I am losing weight more for him than myself. Because I love him, and i want him to be as happy as he can be. He also makes me want to be the best that I can be. However, when I ask for something in return it's like I am asking him to get a route canal. He admitted that this was a problem of his, and he needs to work on it, but I guess it's one of those things that I have to see it to believe it. It's aggravating to do all the cleaning, laundry and cooking, and not even get the slightest reaction. A thank you here or there would be a great start. Simply helping me with the dishes after would be one of the most romantic things he could do for me at this point. Don't even get me started on romance. To sum it all up, we are both sexually frustrated, and it seems love-making has gone completely out the window. I hope to stop by Barns and Nobles sometime this week and find a few books that may help us out in the bedroom, which will lead to helping in other areas of our life together.

Anyway, when it rains it pours, and right now I have a heavy storm cloud sitting above me, and I just need to wait for it to blow over and let the sun shine once more. Until next time...

~ Live, Laugh, Love